I’ve had an enjoyable three-day weekend. Maybe a little too enjoyable for my intestines. It was my birthday weekend, so I indulged maybe a little too much. My stomach isn’t feeling very well this morning. I’m not sure if the way I ate was the problem or the thought of having to go back to work is the problem.
Years ago I developed spastic colon. I didn’t recognize how much stress I was under. I enjoyed my job. It was the secret of being a lesbian that was eating me up inside.
The symptoms I feel now are similar to the spastic colon symptoms. I know that I am under a lot of stress at work. It came to a head a few weeks ago, but I thought I had calmed my thoughts, my fears….my reaction to it is that I shouldn’t have these symptoms. But the more I think about going to work, the more dread I feel.
I don’t hate my job. (Notice, I didn’t say I liked my job.) I enjoy my co-workers. Last week, with the head dude in town, would have been a more stressful week than what I’m about to embark on. Actually, I’m at a good point in the project I’m working on so that this week will be a breeze in comparison to last week. So, why do I feel my stomach tied up in knots?
I’m distressed because of both the way you are not taking care of me nutritionally and because of work. It’s not one or the other. By causing you this pain, I’m reminding you to get your eating back on track. Indulging as you did was not enjoyable for anyone but maybe your tastebuds. You know this. You don’t need the lecture. Just know that you need to make better choices.
Now, let’s talk about work. You brought up a fear in your head this morning about being the next one to be laid off. You also brought up a fear that the job you were hoping for really didn’t think you could do the work required. How do you expect me to feel when you are putting energy into feeling like a failure. I know that you aren’t a failure, but you need to know it, too. You need to let go of these fears and just live your life in the now. Enjoy what you have — a job where it ain’t so bad. You keep looking for another job opportunity to “save” you, but that’s where you are wrong. No other job can save you. Only the way you approach this job, or any job, is your solution to happiness. You can be happy with the job you have, as long as you choose to be happy. Make that choice, dive in, and enjoy yourself. Forget about the other opportunities out there. They will come find you as soon as they are ready for you and you are ready for them.
My stomach is feeling less tight already. I know that what I wrote above is the truth. I do need to get back on the right track as far as food is concerned. And I need to stop looking for the next best thing. I need to enjoy where I am right in this moment — live this moment. There’s enough to do right now. When it’s time to move on, I’ll know it, and there will be new opportunities for me to step into.
There is a nature reserve near my home where I have found a wonderful thoughtful spot. There’s an outcropping of rocks in the middle of a forest that looks like a gathering — as if the stones had purposefully came together for a meeting. It’s a peaceful place I enjoy visiting.
Council of the Rock People
Yesterday, after a week of rain, I seized the moment of sunshine and went to visit the Council of the Rock People. (As a side note, let me tell you that I’m THRILLED with the bug repellant BodyGuard a pen friend sent to me. I worked wondered.) I was a little worried about all of the mosquitoes that hovered around me and couldn’t quite get comfortable for a truly thoughtful moment, but I enjoyed my time there nonetheless. Next time I’ll know I can trust the bug repellant and just relax.
Instead of staying where I felt I would become mosquito buffet, I got up and took a walk around the grounds. A couple of creatures crossed my path — a hopping one and a flying one.
I think this is a tree frog. It was not much bigger than a ping-pong ball.
First came frog. I barely noticed him hopping across my path — his coloring camoflagued him so well. I tried to take a picture of him with some contrast in the background, but he wasn’t very cooperative. He wasn’t sure he wanted his picture taken. So I stayed in the distance and got a few shots.
Some say that frog represents transitions and new beginnings. That would make sense for me in my life right now. I am focusing on making some changes, connecting more deeply with my spirit while also reconnecting with nature. In my day-to-day life, I’m hoping for a change in my job and, even if the hoped-for change doesn’t come, I’m approaching my current job in a new way in the hopes of making it a better, more positive experience for me and my co-workers. So, thank you, Frog, for confirming transition and new beginnings.
Dragonfly
Dragonfly has been showing up a lot lately. She showed up again Saturday wearing a reddish veil. I’m used to seeing more of a blue-green iridescent color to dragonfly wings. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a reddish color before. I know that Dragonfly is often associated with illusion, but I really like this quote about Dragonfly — “Dragonflies remind us that we are light and can reflect the light in powerful ways if we choose to do so.” This hits home for me. It’s the way I’m trying to consciously approach situations. I am trying to see the light in all situations and also reflect the light so that others might see it as well.
Just about a week or so ago, Dragonfly showed up during one of my tedious meetings at work. It beat against the window of the office I was in (4-story, downtown Boston, office building…no where near water, streams, etc.). I was just about to go into a complaining rant when Dragonfly appeared. She reminded me of my intention and, because of her reminder and my decision to follow my intention, I was able to bring light to the conversation and not let it spiral into negativity.
Thank you, Yah, and thank you to all of the animals who have crossed my path bringing me your wisdom. I have been so disconnected from nature for too long. Thank you for welcoming me back. You’ll see me hanging around more often.
Marianne’s Miracle Thought spoke of the powers we have because we are the embodiments of God’s spirit. Jesus said that if we had faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains. He also said that we would do things even greater than what he had done.
When I think about this, I am half in disbelief and half in awe. What if I could really dispel the mountains that are in my life blocking my movement forward? What if I could heal my partner of fibromyalgia so that she could spend the rest of her days in freedom doing the things she longs to do? What if, not by searching the web or helping her with her resume or LinkedIn profile, I could find my sister the perfect job? Jesus says I can do these things, and more.
The mountain in my believing of this is that I can’t do things for others they do not want done or are not ready for. I think my sister isn’t ready for her dream job, so first I would need to pray that she become ready. And my partner, I don’t know if she’s ready for healing. I don’t know if she believes it can happen. The one thing Jesus always asked people before he healled them was something along the lines of “Do you have faith?” The person had to believe he could heal them and be ready to be healed before he could do anything.
I know how miserable my partner is with the way her life is right now. She feels limited. There’s so much she wants to do and she gets frustrated with how little she can do. If I focus my attention, love, and prayers on her, maybe I could move that mountain of frustration so that she’s ready to be healed. I have felt powerless in my ability to help her. Maybe this is the way I can help.
Yah, help me hold on to the believe, the faith, that with Your spirit, I can move mountains. May I hold strong to that so that I can help Morgan. I want to say — so I can heal Morgan, but I’m having trouble believing that. Strengthen my faith in Your spirit so that I CAN heal Morgan.
The Miracle Thought for the Day I listened to today was about how our judgments and lack of forgiveness block the peace, love, and joy we want in our lives.
“If I want my heart healed, I have to be willing to heal your heart.”
I need to be a wave of love, no matter what. Yes, people make mistakes, things that happen are sometimes not fair, but a negative response will do no good. Shower someone, a situation, an activity with love and a positive outcome is possible. “Have a little mercy.”
There are times at work when I am TOO willing to get into a bitch-fest about the people we work with from another office — their office culture and politics are so different from our own that it causes misunderstandings at times. I’m also too willing to complain about a vendor we work with — a vendor in India with which the company I work with negotiated a bargain in exchange for giving them a ton of work. So far, we haven’t seen much quality from this company. But, with the pitance the company is likely to be paying, I can only imagine that the working conditions may be a bit challenging. I have a sense that I would be appauled if I truly knew the working conditions of our Indian vendor.
I need to have a little mercy, compassion, forgiveness. I need to drop the judgmental attitude. I’m so quick to jump to a negative conclusion. This must be happening because so-in-so said this or did this. I’m always ready to place blame.
Yah, please help me to have a forgiving, loving heart. May I catch myself in my judgments and turn them around to compassion. Help me know the fine line between allowing myself to be a doormat and showing love and forgiveness as I take care of myself.
A beautiful breeze is stirring the leaves and bringing fresh air into the house. It is in those few hours before the rain comes in that I love best. You can feel the winds gather the clouds, see the light begin to fade, and smell a new scent in the air. Yesterday I bought a reed diffuser with a lavendar scent. I just placed it in the window and the lavendar scent is mingling nicely with the incoming scent of rain.
I’m reading a book about becoming more aware of spirit. I, probably like most people, feel body centric. Too often I AM my body and nothing is more important. But there’s another part of us all — spirit — that lives within our bodily temple. I have some sense of my spirit, having lived with it for 40 some odd years, but I don’t have the same sense of my spirit as I have of my body. There have been very few times when I’ve felt that I AM my spirit.
The breeze makes me more aware of my spirit because of the way it moves, increasing and decreasing in intensity. Sometimes there’s no breeze at all. On hot days, I often find myself praying for a breeze to lift the stiffling air. My spirit, I’m sure if called upon, would be able to lift my mood on days when my mood is just as stiffling. But if I cannot recognize its slight presense, its subtle stirrings, I won’t allow it to build in intensity and blow away the stale air.
I have noticed recently that when I’m trying to become more aware of spirit, the hairs on my arms feel as if they are standing on end, or that I have goosebumps. Yet, when I touch my arms, I find they are normal. I believe this recognition is the first step on the path of making a stronger connection with my spirit.
Much of the normal “activity” of life blocks out my spirit. I numb myself by watching television and playing computer games. I’m aware of nothing else during these times. But taking moments, like this, to pause, notice the world around me, reflect, contemplate — those are the times I find it easier to tap into my spirit. I want to do more spirit tapping than numbing. While both activities give me the opportunity to step out of the chaos for a while, I think the latter is more effective at lessening my stress and healing me from the day. It also allows me to discover more deeply who I am.
To help me remember, I’m creating a list of things I can do to tap into my soul.
- Sit outside and enjoy nature, become aware of everything around me
- Relax in a hot tub, pool, or a bath
- Choose a random card, page in a book, words from my word bowl, or image from my collage file and reflect on the message it has for me
- Do “morning pages” no matter what time of the day it is
- Browse through a rock shop
- Spend time with friends who have positive attitudes
- Sing
- Dance
- Go to the ocean or deep into the woods — enjoy the view of the world around me
- If I only have a few minutes — do some deep breathing
- Watch a storm roll in
- Listen to a thunderstorm
- Dance in the rain
- Create art
- Daydream
- Stretch
