Why do I avoid myself
It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled. I did a little bit a few months ago on paper, but I had to really force myself to do it, like I am now. I feel fearful. I feel like I have let a speck of germ go unchecked for too long and now it has grown into a great, big, hairy monster. I tear up just at writing this. This is nuts!
I don’t take the time for myself, for expressing myself or exploring what’s happening in my psyche by way of my dreams. I waste a lot of time watching TV or playing games — things that drown out the volume of my own inner voice. When I sit down to write, I HAVE to listen to that inner voice. It’s all that is there.
I know I SHOULD take more time to express myself in any number of ways — writing, dancing, creating (without the TV on in the background), just sitting in the stillness. When I drive to work in the morning, I always have to have the radio on. A few days (I can count them on one hand) I spend some time with the radio off. I’ve spoken out loud about the dream I had the night before and was able to analyze my dream and take away an important message.
So, what am I going to do so I don’t get these pent up emotions that are all bent out of shape because they feel ignored? It would be helpful to set a day and time at which I intend to be quiet and allow my inner voice to be hears. If I just say I’m going to have a quiet time once a week, I’ll weasel out of it. So, I’m going to set aside time on Thursday nights. That’s the night I have my class at 8:30. Morgan may be attending a meeting that night at 7:30, so I’ll have an hour before my class to settle in and be quiet. I may do things like knit, but I’ll knit in the quiet. I’ll pray or meditate with each stitch. Or I may dance…or I may write. Anything that allows my inner voice to be heard instead of blocked is fair game.
I think I’ll also set a goal for having quiet time in the car. I think at least twice I week I could do this. During that time I can speak aloud what I think I would be writing. Speak anything that comes across my mind — like a verbal form of Morning Pages. That will keep me from bringing home frustrations from the day. In the morning I can speak about my dreams or I can talk through a situation I want to prepare for at work.
So, what’s the commitment?
- I commit to quiet time in the car at least twice a week. This can be on the way to or from work. If I haven’t done this by Friday, I MUST spend some time both in the morning and in the evening in quiet.
- I commit to quiet time on Thursday nights. It will begin the moment Morgan leaves for her meeting (if I wait, I know I’ll spend the time playing games).
- For these quiet times, I will spend at least 15 minutes to start. I hope to eventually spend more time than this, maybe even the full hour before my class on Thursdays or even my entire drive to or from work.
Just making this commitment makes me feel a lot better. I feel a weight off my shoulders.
