The Discerning Work of Dreams

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about following my dreams. I posted here a few months ago about how I had reached a point where I was almost afraid to dream. I have been a dreamer all of my life. Being almost at a mid-life point, I can see that I have been successful in making many of my dreams come true. Each successful dream lead to the creation of a new dream. It wasn’t that I was unhappy with how my dream came to life or that I needed another rush — it was more that I was ready to take the next step, to progress further.

Three years ago I thought I had brought a 10-year-old dream to life when I accepted a job with a textbook publisher. My dream was to write my own math textbook series. As I learned more about the business, I knew that the well-known textbooks were published by a team of authors, mostly people well-known in the field of math education with lots of letters after their names. While they helped conceive the series, a much larger team of worker bees were in charge of making it happen. While I don’t have the credentials (and don’t aspire to earn them) to be an author, the job I accepted allowed me to be a worker bee who had a little bit of creative input.

This job, the job I thought was my dream job, hasn’t worked out as I had hoped. I have been pushed farther and farther away from the creative process and not quite into the role of drone bee. While worker bees have a role, a function — the drone bee is given only one real job and, upon completion, dies. (Ok, so that’s quite a bit overly dramatic for my scenario, but I was trying to stick with the bee comparison.)

Because my dream didn’t work out as expected, and had a negative effect on the non-work aspects of my life, I had felt that my ability to bring forth positive dreams had dried up. Yes, I know how silly that sounds even as I type this. I imagine having a magic lamp that has run out of wishes, but tries its best to create something when you ask for yet another.

Since I didn’t trust myself to dream, I moved into the habit of looking for anything that appeared to be better in any way. When I saw job openings posted, I would turn myself into a pretzel to write a good cover letter for my resume to make it sound like I had all the skills and talents needed and I would be perfect for the job. I would convince myself that the job was the perfect job and well suited to my old dream — when, in fact, I had morphed my dream to fit the job description. It took applying for many different jobs and much soul searching before I came to this realization.

I am determined now to take a closer look at new opportunities that come my way, hold them up to the light and ask, “Does this match my dream?” My dream is still to create a math textbook (etextbook, in this new era) series. I have applied for a couple of jobs that may fit the bill — one more so than the other. One job opportunity I have decided not to pursue because I realized I could try and force it to fit my dream, but it really didn’t. Another job, that I applied to months ago, thankfully contacted me to let me know they decided not to hire. I think I would have been a strong candidate for the job, though it would have definitely required me to turn myself into a pretzel.

Over the years, I have learned that dreams are trick business. You really have to know what you want before you rub the magic lamp. Even then, you can never predict the outcome. If the outcome is not as you thought, it’s not time to give up. It’s time to clarify, focus, create a more crystal clear image of your dream before you rub the lamp again. I refined my dream and I rubbed the lamp. We’ll see what the genie cooks up this time.