Finding Our Voices
Men talk with big voices. Men are not taught about the “indoor voice”. They, in general*, have no trouble voicing anything they feel needs to be said.
A friend of mine told me about the book Liquid Light of Sex. The title of the book is deceiving. This book isn’t about sex. It is about the difference between genders as we transition in mid-life. I mention this book because of one interesting fact my friend and I discussed and it has to do with voices. Women, in general, have touble with the voice chakra. Where men’s throat chakras are generally open, women’s are more constricting. Woman have a hard time speaking their truth, speaking what needs to be said.
As I sit here in Panera being bombarded by the voices of men who sit 10-15 feet away from me, I can’t help but be reminded of this fact.
Why do woman have a harder time finding their voices? Is it a societal thing? I know many women who have been admonished for speaking too loud or too anxiously to too shrill, or too…any number of things. I don’t know that men receive these same messages. Lower, deeper notes are, in general, more calming than higher, soprano notes. Is it the sound that people react to rather than the voice?
The men in Panera have deep voices. While the notes are pleasant, being surrounded by them is disconcerting. It feels as if there’s no way to get away from the voices.
When woman find their voice, it can be sarcastic, annoyed, or defensive. I have experienced this myself. I have said a lot of things to the overly, loud men in my mind and it has all been affected with a whiny tone. It’s not as simple or straight forward as, “Your voices are quite loud this morning. I have to sit here in order to plug in my computer, but I feel like I’m part of your conversation. I want you to have your privacy. Could you possibly turn down the volume a little?” No, the voices in my head are saying things like, “Do you even CARE that you are disrupting EVERYONE in this cafe?”
Luckily, the cafe is at a lull and I found another place to sit with a small wall that separates me from the men’s voices and I can actually hear myself think. Besides, it really is MY problem, not theirs.
Women’s voices may be pinched or defensive to begin with because of staying quiet most of the time. We aren’t used to saying what we need to say, so it comes out with a lot of pent up emotion behind it. The water has been rising and the dam finally bursts. I remember learning this from my childhood. My mom rarely told my father when she disagreed with him. She had no voice. Then something would happen that would be the tip of the iceberg and she would blow. Afterwards she would give my father, and sometimes the rest of us, the silent treatment It would leave my father very confused. All he knew was that she was overreacting about something very minor and he had no option of discussing it with her to discover the real problem. Nothing could be resolved.
I picked up this style of non-communication from my mother, though I have made attempts to find my voice sooner, temper myself if I reach a point where I blow, and calm myself enough to discuss the situation afterwards. I still have a problem expressing myself in the moment in a positive, non-reactive way, but I’m working on it.
*Throughout this post I have discussed women and men in a general way. I have tried to sprinkle in “in general” when I make statements that sound like all men or all women are a certain way. I know that there are exceptions to the rule and that maybe the group of women who have trouble finding their voices in a positive way is smaller than I think it is. I sense it is something that is evolving.
