Declaration of Intention

I am reading a book about past lives and the fears that we often bring over from these past lives. It is a very

Healing your past lives to realize your soul's potential

intriguing topic. It provides a possible explanation for some of the illogical triggers we all seem to have.

The first exercise in the book is to declare your intention to work to relieve your soul’s fears with the help of your spirit guides. I’m intrigued by the idea of having spirit guides, but I have never had an encounter or experience with these guides. As recommended, I’m suspending judgement on whether or not there are such guides about me and going with the suggested activities. Who knows what I may draw from them? I may or may not encounter a spirit guide. I know one thing for sure, I know I will never encounter a spirit guide if I’m not open to the possibility.

So, without further adieu, here is my declaration of intention.

Dear Soul,

I promise to do everything in my power to relieve fears that hold me back in this life. I will strive to meet the 10 goals that will allow us to live in greater peace and harmony.

Image by 29cm via Flickr

I promise to remain open to spirit guides that have as their intention assistance that will further me on my path to my highest self. I may have trouble recognizing your guidance. Please be patient with me and help me to hear and respond to the guidance you provide.

Why do I avoid myself

It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled. I did a little bit a few months ago on paper, but I had to really force myself to do it, like I am now. I feel fearful. I feel like I have let a speck of germ go unchecked for too long and now it has grown into a great, big, hairy monster. I tear up just at writing this. This is nuts!

I don’t take the time for myself, for expressing myself or exploring what’s happening in my psyche by way of my dreams. I waste a lot of time watching TV or playing games — things that drown out the volume of my own inner voice. When I sit down to write, I HAVE to listen to that inner voice. It’s all that is there.

I know I SHOULD take more time to express myself in any number of ways — writing, dancing, creating (without the TV on in the background), just sitting in the stillness. When I drive to work in the morning, I always have to have the radio on. A few days (I can count them on one hand) I spend some time with the radio off. I’ve spoken out loud about the dream I had the night before and was able to analyze my dream and take away an important message.

So, what am I going to do so I don’t get these pent up emotions that are all bent out of shape because they feel ignored?  It would be helpful to set a day and time at which I intend to be quiet and allow my inner voice to be hears. If I just say I’m going to have a quiet time once a week, I’ll weasel out of it. So, I’m going to set aside time on Thursday nights. That’s the night I have my class at 8:30. Morgan may be attending a meeting that night at 7:30, so I’ll have an hour before my class to settle in and be quiet. I may do things like knit, but I’ll knit in the quiet. I’ll pray or meditate with each stitch. Or I may dance…or I may write. Anything that allows my inner voice to be heard instead of blocked is fair game.

I think I’ll also set a goal for having quiet time in the car. I think at least twice I week I could do this. During that time I can speak aloud what I think I would be writing. Speak anything that comes across my mind — like a verbal form of Morning Pages. That will keep me from bringing home frustrations from the day. In the morning I can speak about my dreams or I can talk through a situation I want to prepare for at work.

So, what’s the commitment?

• I commit to quiet time in the car at least twice a week. This can be on the way to or from work. If I haven’t done this by Friday, I MUST spend some time both in the morning and in the evening in quiet.
• I commit to quiet time on Thursday nights. It will begin the moment Morgan leaves for her meeting (if I wait, I know I’ll spend the time playing games).
• For these quiet times, I will spend at least 15 minutes to start. I hope to eventually spend more time than this, maybe even the full hour before my class on Thursdays or even my entire drive to or from work.

Just making this commitment makes me feel a lot better. I feel a weight off my shoulders.

My Prayer for Today

Marianne Williamson’s Miracle Thought of the Day reminded me this morning of the power of prayer and blessing. Being that I am going to an interview today, I thought it was a good time for a prayer.

Dear Yah,

May Your spirit guide my words and actions today.
While I could easily become anxious and let the hamster run on its wheel churning over things to say/not to say,
I know that that is wasted energy.
Instead, may my focus be outward towards others.
May I see ways that I can be a blessing to others–to everyone I meet, including the man I will be interviewing with.

I know that some opportunities You put in my life are better than others. I think taking the job I have right now might not have been the best idea. Yes, there have been benefits, but I think I pushed for it too much. I don’t know that I was truly listening to You.
During my interview today, may they hear what they need to hear to make their decision easy.
If they decide I’m the best candidate for the job, please make it obvious to me, what my response to their offer should be. Help me see and hear what I need in order to make the best decision for me.

Thank You, Yah, for this opportunity. Help me handle it in a way that best serves You.

The Discerning Work of Dreams

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about following my dreams. I posted here a few months ago about how I had reached a point where I was almost afraid to dream. I have been a dreamer all of my life. Being almost at a mid-life point, I can see that I have been successful in making many of my dreams come true. Each successful dream lead to the creation of a new dream. It wasn’t that I was unhappy with how my dream came to life or that I needed another rush — it was more that I was ready to take the next step, to progress further.

Three years ago I thought I had brought a 10-year-old dream to life when I accepted a job with a textbook publisher. My dream was to write my own math textbook series. As I learned more about the business, I knew that the well-known textbooks were published by a team of authors, mostly people well-known in the field of math education with lots of letters after their names. While they helped conceive the series, a much larger team of worker bees were in charge of making it happen. While I don’t have the credentials (and don’t aspire to earn them) to be an author, the job I accepted allowed me to be a worker bee who had a little bit of creative input.

This job, the job I thought was my dream job, hasn’t worked out as I had hoped. I have been pushed farther and farther away from the creative process and not quite into the role of drone bee. While worker bees have a role, a function — the drone bee is given only one real job and, upon completion, dies. (Ok, so that’s quite a bit overly dramatic for my scenario, but I was trying to stick with the bee comparison.)

Because my dream didn’t work out as expected, and had a negative effect on the non-work aspects of my life, I had felt that my ability to bring forth positive dreams had dried up. Yes, I know how silly that sounds even as I type this. I imagine having a magic lamp that has run out of wishes, but tries its best to create something when you ask for yet another.

Since I didn’t trust myself to dream, I moved into the habit of looking for anything that appeared to be better in any way. When I saw job openings posted, I would turn myself into a pretzel to write a good cover letter for my resume to make it sound like I had all the skills and talents needed and I would be perfect for the job. I would convince myself that the job was the perfect job and well suited to my old dream — when, in fact, I had morphed my dream to fit the job description. It took applying for many different jobs and much soul searching before I came to this realization.

I am determined now to take a closer look at new opportunities that come my way, hold them up to the light and ask, “Does this match my dream?” My dream is still to create a math textbook (etextbook, in this new era) series. I have applied for a couple of jobs that may fit the bill — one more so than the other. One job opportunity I have decided not to pursue because I realized I could try and force it to fit my dream, but it really didn’t. Another job, that I applied to months ago, thankfully contacted me to let me know they decided not to hire. I think I would have been a strong candidate for the job, though it would have definitely required me to turn myself into a pretzel.

Over the years, I have learned that dreams are trick business. You really have to know what you want before you rub the magic lamp. Even then, you can never predict the outcome. If the outcome is not as you thought, it’s not time to give up. It’s time to clarify, focus, create a more crystal clear image of your dream before you rub the lamp again. I refined my dream and I rubbed the lamp. We’ll see what the genie cooks up this time.

Finding Our Voices

Men talk with big voices. Men are not taught about the “indoor voice”. They, in general*, have no trouble voicing anything they feel needs to be said.

A friend of mine told me about the book Liquid Light of Sex. The title of the book is deceiving. This book isn’t about sex. It is about the difference between genders as we transition in mid-life. I mention this book because of one interesting fact my friend and I discussed and it has to do with voices. Women, in general, have touble with the voice chakra. Where men’s throat chakras are generally open, women’s are more constricting. Woman have a hard time speaking their truth, speaking what needs to be said.

As I sit here in Panera being bombarded by the voices of men who sit 10-15 feet away from me, I can’t help but be reminded of this fact.

Why do woman have a harder time finding their voices? Is it a societal thing? I know many women who have been admonished for speaking too loud or too anxiously to too shrill, or too…any number of things. I don’t know that men receive these same messages. Lower, deeper notes are, in general, more calming than higher, soprano notes. Is it the sound that people react to rather than the voice?

The men in Panera have deep voices. While the notes are pleasant, being surrounded by them is disconcerting. It feels as if there’s no way to get away from the voices.

When woman find their voice, it can be sarcastic, annoyed, or defensive. I have experienced this myself. I have said a lot of things to the overly, loud men in my mind and it has all been affected with a whiny tone. It’s not as simple or straight forward as, “Your voices are quite loud this morning. I have to sit here in order to plug in my computer, but I feel like I’m part of your conversation. I want you to have your privacy. Could you possibly turn down the volume a little?” No, the voices in my head are saying things like, “Do you even CARE that you are disrupting EVERYONE in this cafe?”

Luckily, the cafe is at a lull and I found another place to sit with a small wall that separates me from the men’s voices and I can actually hear myself think. Besides, it really is MY problem, not theirs.

Women’s voices may be pinched or defensive to begin with because of staying quiet most of the time. We aren’t used to saying what we need to say, so it comes out with a lot of pent up emotion behind it. The water has been rising and the dam finally bursts. I remember learning this from my childhood. My mom rarely told my father when she disagreed with him. She had no voice. Then something would happen that would be the tip of the iceberg and she would blow. Afterwards she would give my father, and sometimes the rest of us, the silent treatment It would leave my father very confused. All he knew was that she was overreacting about something very minor and he had no option of discussing it with her to discover the real problem. Nothing could be resolved.

I picked up this style of non-communication from my mother, though I have made attempts to find my voice sooner, temper myself if I reach a point where I blow, and calm myself enough to discuss the situation afterwards. I still have a problem expressing myself in the moment in a positive, non-reactive way, but I’m working on it.

*Throughout this post I have discussed women and men in a general way. I have tried to sprinkle in “in general” when I make statements that sound like all men or all women are a certain way. I know that there are exceptions to the rule and that maybe the group of women who have trouble finding their voices in a positive way is smaller than I think it is. I sense it is something that is evolving.